


in soviet russia, canon defiles you

by legoliomanikas



Category: Romeo And Juliet - All Media Types
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Adultery, F/M, Implied/Referenced Incest, Just Stupidity, M/M, Masturbation, Out of Character, Slut Shaming, but it actually isnt incest, like a lot of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 15:29:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18626050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legoliomanikas/pseuds/legoliomanikas
Summary: cheers to another abandoned wipalso from 2018, like maybe around junecant take credit for ALL the nonsense, since it was pretty evenly divided btw me and two friends who dont use this sitestory vaguely resembles plot of the og r and j if you rly stretch ur imagination, but the friar works at mcdonalds and romeo also marries tybalt





	in soviet russia, canon defiles you

**Prologue**  
A star crossed pair of gleaming lovers  
Who dance across the starry night  
Arm in arm and hand in hand  
A cliche romance at first sight

**Scene I**  
(planning for capulet ball)  
Capul: (drunk) Hey, we hate Montagues and Montagues hate us! Lets throw a ball where we cant tell whos who and act surprised when there a Montague!!!!!!  
(masquerade ball)  
Romeo: (is being a Montague)  
Capul: -gasp- A M O N T A G U E

**Scene II (after ball)**  
Tybalt: Thineself hath a great urge to stabbeth Romeo  
Juliet: Wherefore do such actions plague your weary head, dear cuz?  
Tybalt: Thou doth noticeth that thou hath a Romeo body pillow in thine room  
Juliet: -screams in horror and aggressitivity-  
(Juliet lifts a suggestion box off the carpeted floors and hurls it at Tybalt’s scowl before making her over-dramatized exit)  
Tybalt: (yelling after her) FUCKETH U TOO  
Juliet: (whirling around in disgust) I’D NEVER FUCKETH YOU  
Tybalt: ITS A FUCKING EXPRESSION  
The Nurse: MY TITS DIDNT FEED U CURSE WORDS  
Juliet: Nay you old hag- thee hath raiseth us to be married off like pigs in the market to sleezy perverts who seek intercourse with minors and riches!  
The Nurse: -scandalous gasp of scandalousness- GASP  
Tybalt: Is that so wrong, dear cuz? As we ageth ye seeketh even more our youth that we can not retrieve. Ye find thine youth in young girls like yourself.  
JulietO: well thineself hath foundeth a man to treat me as the human I was born to be. And he is not a man of 60 years named after the French capital because his stupid family could not even fathom a REAL name.  
Tybalt: whoms’tever does thee speak of?  
Juliet: I speak of Paris- my forceful husband to be- he who will treat me as a rag doll in a pig pen with his j00sy big-breasted mistresses.  
Tybalt: Thou see’th no issue with such glorious arrangements  
Juliet: BUT IT IS ROMEO I LOVE, DEAR CUZ!  
Tybalt: how dareth thy betrayth the clan, the GLORIOUS SUPREME OVERLORD CULT OF _BAD DOINGS_ AND MASTERS OF THE ART OF _CHALK DRAWING_  
Juliet: But dear cuz tybal-  
Tybalt: NO BETRRRRRRRRAY’TH THE KIND, specially with ye ugly hoebag Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrromeo  
Juliet: He art not an ugly hoebag, he a _sexy_ (superior to thee) hoebag  
Tybalt: *HARRUMPH*

**Scene III**  
Tybalt: Thou hath decideth to stabbeth Romeo  
(Tybalt aggressively climbs on a tall building)  
Tybalt: FITE ME ROMEO  
Romeo: I MARRIED UR CUZ, HOEBAG  
Tybalt: THOU art the UGLIEST HOEBAG IN ALL OF YE LAND, I am smart, ye fool, I know that Juliet would rather marry a hat than thee  
Romeo: THAT ALSO MEANS IM UR CUZ IN LAW WHICH MEANS I MARRIED UR CUZ WHICH MEANS I COMMITED INCEST  
(silence)  
Tybalt: wha- wh- ho- how- meh?- !!!- ?- Qué???  
Romeo: AND THEN I FUCKED THE FRIAR TO CLEANSE MY SINS  
Tybalt: oh, YE TEAbag, THAT WAS MY SMEXXXY UNCLE. How dareth thou, YOU FILTHY BRRRRITISH BLOKE.  
RomeoH-y: I am ur father, luke  
Luk-I mean tybalt: I DENY YOUR REQUEST TO BE MY FATHH-er. AND THUS WE SHALL FITE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
(SUDDENLY mERCUTIO)  
Mercutio: by the power invested in me through the soulful pure saints of two alberts and atomic number 80, I now pronounce thee husband and wife  
Friar Lawrence: OFF TO THE CHAPEL, with thee THOTS we shall go

**Scene IV**  
Romeo: oh my star crossed love, how shalt we hide this passionate, incestial-in-law, adultery from ye sticky cousin Juliet?!!!!?  
Tybalt: as long as we have each owwer daddy, evewything will be awright owo  
Juliet: ROME-owy my newfound husbando mmmMMMMMMm, my stomach feel’th uniquely thorsty and craVe’th SUMTHING OTHER THAN MY BODY PILLOW; THY DELICOU-------  
Romeo: GO EAT’TH A CLAM, ye hoebag  
[Enter Samson and Gregory]  
Greggo the preggo: Samsung, doth thy foes quarrel sir  
Samsung: doth thy thumb bit ur tongue, ye younglingly sticky mont-a-guirrrrr lord  
Tybalt: quarrel sir? Doth I quarrel? OF COURSE I qUARREL QUARREL IS ALL’TH I QUARREL ABOUT THY QUARRELING WALK’TH QUARREL-  
Juliet: -suddenly finding this mucho suspiciouso- GASPUS GIVE’TH MY HUBBY BACK, VILLAIN. I SHALTH QUARREL WITH THOU, DOTH ART VILLANOUS  
(QUARREL QUARREL QUARREL QUARREL QUARREL QUARREL QUARREL)  
RomeoH FUCK: STOP THY QUARRELING, THY QUARRELERS  
Sams-uggs: hey ROME-oh, youre such a mucho basic luver boi like omg u got the OH hydroxide group and cmon u prob fuckd both of them already just a hot smexy SWEATY STICKYthreesom  
Tybalt: Sam-SMUG HOW DOST THY ASSUME SUCH BLASPHEMY, thou art a VILLAIN, y’all he aint a tru capitalist guys  
Romeo: WELL IM A COMMUNIST AND I AGREE THAT I FUCKD BOTH OF THEM  
Juliet: I DIGRESS.  
Tybalt: I agre-ayy and align my position with that of romeos for the reason that he is a communist cuz he GIVEth US ALL EQUALled PAY WJTH HIS DICCC-  
Romeo: speaking of positions, i like doggy style oHHH YEA  
Grrregory: hello there, you’re all my friends YES let’s contribute to the idea of the state yes this ideology of fascism we must ALL WORK TOGETHER TO CREATE THE Strongest case of nationalism ever and we musteth destroy those damn MARXIST. RAMEO IM CUMMMING FOR UUUUUU  
The Nurse: -busts in out of nowhere- USE PROTECTION, ye HOEBAGS  
[Romeo stomps out aggressively in a spit of spiteful teenage anger]  
Juliet: WELL IF ROMEO AINT HERE I NEED A REPLACEMENT  
(Juliet whips the body pillow out of thin air and humps it. Everyone leaves)  
Juliet: I don’t NEED PROTECTION NOW YE OLD, WRINKLY HOEBAG -sticks out middle fingers-

**SCENE V**  
(Enters McDonald’s where the Friar works)  
Romeo: oh, my, decor in this place is dreadful absolutely dreadful I tell you  
Tybalt: who gives a fuck, idc if ur fashion sense is poopy, everything is poopy. Except ur cock. If u shat out ur cock i would be worried.  
Friar Lawrence[Flamboyantly heard in the distance]: DON’t Ye dare touch me, YE HOEBAG! I’m saving myself for god  
Tybalt: DIDNT ROMEO FUCK U THO  
fRIAR LAWRENCE: wELL HE IS MY GOD, HOEBAG  
Romeo: tHEN KNEEL AND REDECORATE THY ROOM ITS DISGUSTING  
[Ju133+ enters the scene]  
Jul33+: HEY FRY FISH LAWRENCE, dost thou want to start a HaRem with Meee- oh oops look it’s the basic hoebag glomping Romeo and le dearest cousin tybalt  
Friar Lawrence: ok  
Romeo: THOU ART A FOOLISH FOOL, THY DECISION ART BLASPHEMYY, what happened to SAVING URSELF FOR GOD  
Friar Lawrence: don’t be so narcissistic, ye blondie Pinot pulpy pimpy asshole, im atheist now bYE  
Bye Romeo: but.. But ur a friar!!!!  
Fryer Lawrence: Well from now on, I will dedicate myself to my day job… I will become…. The FRYER Lawrence (epic anime music plays in the bg)  
Romeo: nOooo my lover, how dare you betray me? I refuse to lose a loyal follower to GREEDY FAKE FOOD CORPORATE MONOPOLIES, YE …. BOURGEOIS HOEBAG  
Atheist Lawrence: How dare you insult my work, my job, my life, my love. I MAY BE DEEMED UNWHOLESOME BY YOUR NINNY LAWS OF MATTER AND CONSERVATION, BUT FRENCH FRIES WILL ALWAYS BE ON SALE IN A BUY ONE GET ONE DOUBLE THE PRICE “”””SALE””””” FOR AS LONG AS I WORK AT THE SPLENDID COWBITS AND POTATO RESTAURANT  
Jul33+: Splendid,  
Romeo: -falling to hands and knees- noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO000000000000000000000OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO0000000OOOOOOO

**Scene VI - The Revenge**  
Romeo: I MUST GET REVENGE  
Tybalt: WE SHALT GET REVENGE  
JULIET: NO, THOU SHAINT


End file.
